Drinkers Handbook

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar, preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, then your ass better tip him better, or you're not gonna get anywhere.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing. I.E. urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
22. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men DO NOT.
23. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
24. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a D.J. you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
28. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
29. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
30. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
31. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
32. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
33. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
34. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
35. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
36. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
37. Men don't drink from straws unless you're doing a Mind Eraser.
38. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
39. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
40. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot".
41. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
42. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
43. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
44. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand, if they even notice.
45. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
46. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
47. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
48. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
49. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
50. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
51. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
52. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
53. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
54. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
55. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
56. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
57. Don't tell your bartender "Thank You"! Just Tip them, fucker!!